When Family Members Don’t Like You
Some Background
when family members don’t like you
Recently, I have had some painful experiences with family members who don’t like me or support me. I found this particularly difficult because I’m spoiled on a daily basis, with people who contact me from around the world to let me know how much they appreciate and support me and my work. Please understand that I don’t expect family members to treat me like that. Let’s face it; that would be rather weird. But the reality is that I have been treated the opposite by some family members. It’s made me feel like shit and hurts immensely.
One of these family members, despite my most proactive efforts to reach out with an open hand and heart, intentionally ignored me. It was hard for me because I believe that even if you don’t like someone, you should make every effort to communicate and resolve the issue – even if it’s uncomfortable. I think of the word LOVE as a verb, which means it requires action. The fruit of that work is the feeling. This person also claims to be committed to a particular faith that is all about unconditional love, forgiveness, and evangelizing those who don’t believe in that particular faith. Their behavior made them a complete hypocrite in my eyes.
Regardless, the recent behavior of these family members showed me how they feel about me, and it sucks.
My top priority is my mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being. Focusing on this priority has taught me some new lessons about boundaries. Boundaries are social and emotional lines that you need to draw with people. To cope with this family issue, I have decided to establish a new boundary:
I won’t be attending family functions anymore because I don’t want to be in a place I am not welcome.
What You Can Do
It’s hard when family members don’t like you. But let’s step back, because some of what feels like them not liking you may be more about what they don’t like that you’re doing.
If you have ever been a vegetarian in a family of meat-eaters, then this information is for you. If you have ever decided to leave the religion you grew up in or chose a new religion or no religion, or if you became more religious in adulthood, then this information is for you, too.
And if you are a person who forged a path different from that which your family expected of you, then I’m here to sing your song, too.
The Family Dynamic
No matter how old you get, your mother is still your mother. And your brother is still your brother. Family members can sometimes fall into old familiar patterns. Those patterns can be nurturing; they can be lecturing, they can be sibling rivalry, or even overly nosey.
As we continue to find our ways in life, we branch off from our family’s original ideas. Sometimes, we exceed their expectations. Sometimes, we don’t live up to their expectations.
It’s Not You
You are who you are! If your family expected that you would have children, and then you didn’t, that is your choice. It may disappoint them – and those are valid feelings of theirs, and please don’t deny your family members the opportunity to express them – but it does not mean it is open season on all of your choices. It also doesn’t mean everyone gets to pin a scarlet S to your shirt and call you selfish for never having kids.
They Might Not Be a Monolith
When we are confronted with the entire family asking about this or that, it can sometimes feel as if they are all involved and everyone is against us. But that might not be the case at all. Just because Aunt Hilda doesn’t speak up at the Thanksgiving table doesn’t mean she disapproves of your coming out. Maybe she’ll be easier to talk to one on one. If she has been reasonable and loving in the past, then it’s worth a shot. She might be surprised, or unfamiliar with how you have declared who you are. But if you give her a chance, you just might find common ground.
It’s Not Personal
If you’ve ever heard that old chestnut, “Where did we go wrong?” then I have written this section especially for you. Your choice to join the armed forces isn’t being made to try to hurt anyone. It’s not revenge for you to make your own decisions in life. While a decision such as that could legitimately cause someone to be concerned for your safety, it’s not an occasion for them to take it as a personal affront.
It’s Not Personal for You, Either
Turn those tables and consider your feelings on the matter. For your decision to go paleo, if someone disagrees, try to separate your feelings from what they are saying and how they are behaving. Understand that their defensive behaviors don’t have to dictate your feelings.
Space is a Wonderful Thing
Whether it’s physical space by not hanging around someone, or unfollowing them on social media, taking a break can work wonders for everyone. If your family takes the time to research your bodybuilding regimen and realizes it won’t harm you, then they will be more likely to accept it. That kind of research and thought just plain couldn’t happen in the heat of the moment when you’re arguing. So let everything settle for a while. Let everybody cool down and reflect.
Distancing yourself goes hand in hand with avoidance. You do not have to stick around with people who are problematic. You certainly don’t have to take insults or abuse, of course. Your decision to become Wiccan shouldn’t be an occasion for family members to go medieval on you. Practice saying the magic word if you are asked to be around those people.
The magic word is “NO”.
Your Strategy
Want a more detailed plan? Then here’s your script:
“I’m sorry, but we (or I) can’t. We (or I) already have plans.”
That’s it; MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. You don’t need to lie about what those plans are. You don’t need to apologize for the second time (the quick apology here is more of a lead sentence to get you to the phrase that counts).
And if you don’t have plans for that time, make some! Get in a spa day, work on the house, go bowling, take in a play, or binge-watch your favorite show – whatever you like.
And remember: you’re not the child or teenager you were years ago. You do not need their approval. You do not need their validation.
“You see, you can’t please everyone, so you got to please yourself.” – Rick Nelson (“Garden Party”)
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