Anger has been my faithful companion for most of my life.
I carried it everywhere. It was my shield, my weapon, my identity. When people hurt me, I held onto that rage like it was the most precious thing I owned. If I felt that you hurt me (real or imagined), I'm gonna get revenge on you. That anger made me feel powerful when everything else felt chaotic.
For years, I convinced myself that my resentment was justified. Someone wrongs you? You hold onto it. You remember it. You use it as fuel. This was my approach to nearly every relationship – romantic, familial, professional, and friendships. I kept a running tally of who owed me what.
I had to get honest with myself, though. Chronic anger is associated with higher levels of inflammation, which can cause fatigue, pain, and gastrointestinal complications, and even facilitate conditions like heart disease and cancer [17]. A Stanford study found that forgiveness significantly decreases stress, rage, and psychosomatic symptoms [17]. Forgiveness can lead to healthier relationships, improved mental health, less anxiety, lower blood pressure, and a stronger immune system [21].
But let's be real — forgiveness is hard work [18]. It involves taking one experience at a time, truly examining it, and processing the emotions associated with it. Sometimes we need professional help through therapy or counseling to make sense of this mess. Despite knowing all the benefits, I carried resentment toward people, situations, and organizations long after the wrongs occurred.
Everything came crashing down in 2017 when I experienced a severe mental health breakdown.
That breakdown forced me to realize something: holding onto all that anger was killing me. Letting go of resentment would mean experiencing increased freedom and improved mental health [18].
But how the hell do you actually do it?
How do you release anger when it feels completely justified?
How do you forgive someone when the hurt still feels fresh and raw?
What I Learned About Forgiveness
For most of my life, I thought forgiveness was bullshit.
Seriously. It felt like weakness disguised as wisdom. When someone hurt me, forgiving them felt like I was letting them off the hook. It’s as if I were saying that their behavior was okay when, in fact, it definitely wasn't okay.
Through working with my therapist, I discovered that forgiveness is way more complicated than I thought.
What forgiveness actually means
Forgiveness is an intentional decision to release feelings of resentment toward someone who has hurt you [21]. It's not a single event, but a process involving cognitive, affective, behavioral, motivational, and interpersonal aspects [2].
Here's what I've come to understand: forgiveness means letting go of your internal bitterness, resentment, and self-pity over an experience that's in the past [19]. It's a voluntary transformation of your feelings toward the person who harmed you, allowing you to express compassion instead of hostility [4].
Fred Luskin, founder of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects, explains that forgiveness is about cleansing your heart without making excuses for the behavior that hurt you [19]. Think of it as a conscious choice rather than an emotion you have to manufacture.
This was a huge revelation for me.
Forgiveness doesn't mean being a doormat.
One of my biggest misconceptions was thinking that forgiving meant forgetting. These are entirely different things. When you forgive, your memories stay intact – only your suffering in the present changes [5].
I learned that forgiveness doesn't mean:
- Excusing or condoning harmful actions [6]
- Reconciling with someone dangerous [20]
- Forgetting what happened [8]
- Saying “it's okay” when it wasn't [19]
- Letting someone avoid accountability [21]
As Mayo Clinic experts point out, forgiveness doesn't require forgetting or excusing the harm done to you [15]. You can forgive someone while maintaining a healthy distance and firm boundaries [21].
This changed everything for me. I could forgive the family member who imposed their religious beliefs on me and ignored my boundaries, but I didn't have to pretend it was fine or let them keep doing it.
Why forgiveness is actually selfish (and that's good)
The most compelling reason to forgive is entirely self-serving: forgiveness sets you free. When you remember a wound you haven't resolved, that memory triggers stress chemicals and physical distress [19]. Over time, this chronic stress destroys your body.
Research shows forgiveness is linked to reduced anxiety, depression, and major psychiatric disorders, along with fewer physical health symptoms and lower mortality rates [20]. When you release anger, you experience relief as your muscles relax, anxiety decreases, and your energy levels increase [20].
Forgiveness can also help rebuild self-esteem that has been damaged by injustice. “When people are beaten down by injustice, you know who they end up not liking? Themselves,” notes forgiveness researcher Bob Enright [20].
I discovered this was absolutely true for me. All that resentment I carried? It wasn't hurting the people who wronged me. It was eating me alive from the inside.
For those struggling with forgiveness, professional help through services like BetterHelp, Talkspace, or Online-Therapy.com can provide guided support through this challenging emotional process.
The Hidden Cost of Holding On to Anger
I thought my anger was protecting me.
For years, I carried resentment like a security blanket. Someone hurt me? I'd replay it over and over in my mind. I'd build entire stories around how wrong they were and how justified my anger was. This felt like strength. This felt like I was standing up for myself.
I was wrong…
How resentment destroys your mental health
Resentment's quiet nature makes it particularly harmful. Unlike immediate anger, resentment builds slowly beneath the surface, creating a unique tension in our nervous system [1]. What I discovered through my own experience is that this shit accumulates without you even realizing it.
Here's what happened to me over time:
- I couldn't stop thinking about past wrongs – like a broken record in my head
- I started withdrawing from people because I assumed they'd hurt me too
- I felt numb to everything – good experiences, bad experiences, didn't matter
- My depression and anxiety disorder worsened [11]
As one psychology researcher noted, “What begins as a way to avoid feeling defeated can ultimately become self-defeating” [1]. That hit me hard when I read it. My anger wasn't making me stronger – it was making me weaker.
Through therapy, I've learned that holding onto resentment creates a prison where you're both the guard and the prisoner.
What anger actually does to your body
The mind-body connection is real, and chronic anger will fuck up your physical health. I learned this the hard way during my 2017 breakdown.
Chronic anger activates your fight-or-flight response constantly [3]. Your body continually thinks it's under attack. Research shows prolonged anger raises blood pressure, alters heart rhythms, and increases risk of heart attack [7]. It reduces the production of oxytocin while increasing cortisol levels [1], creating a stress cocktail that weakens your immune system [9] and disrupts your sleep.
Johns Hopkins Medicine reports that these changes increase the risk of diabetes and other severe conditions [3]. Learning how to let go of resentment becomes not just an emotional journey but a physical necessity.
During my worst periods of holding onto anger, I was exhausted all the time. My body hurt. I got sick more often. I thought this was just how life was supposed to feel.
Letting go isn't giving up – it's taking your power back
Here's what I used to think: if I forgave someone, I was weak. I was letting them win. I was saying their behavior was okay.
I was completely wrong about this.
Throughout my journey, I've discovered that forgiveness isn't about surrender—it's about reclaiming power. Forgiving requires facing pain directly instead of avoiding it. As research confirms, “This teamwork of justice and forgiveness is a sign of moral strength, not weakness” [14].
When you forgive, you actively remove the other person's control over your emotional state [15]. You free yourself from the exhausting mental burden of maintaining all that anger.
Forgiveness is self-liberation. As psychologist Bob Enright explains, people who forgive experience increased self-esteem [14], likely because they've demonstrated the courage to stand against pain and offer goodness despite it.
The people who hurt me don't deserve to control how I feel today. That's what I finally realized.
What I Learned About Actually Doing the Work
Here's what I discovered through my own messy journey toward forgiveness. This isn't some theoretical bullshit – this is what actually worked for me after years of therapy and plenty of failures along the way.
1. Stop pretending your pain doesn't matter
First, I had to acknowledge my emotions without beating myself up about them. We're often conditioned to avoid negative feelings [16]. I spent years telling myself to “just get over it” or “move on already.” That doesn't work.
Sit with your hurt feelings. Recognize them as valid signals rather than weaknesses [17]. Try naming your emotions specifically – this reduces their power over you [17]. When I started saying “I feel betrayed” instead of just “I'm pissed,” something shifted.
2. Make a list of who screwed you over
Next, identify exactly who has hurt you and how [18]. List everyone who needs forgiveness—including yourself [19]. This clarity provides a starting point and prevents unprocessed resentment from becoming toxic [20].
I actually wrote this down. Names, situations, what they did. It was painful but necessary. You can't forgive what you won't acknowledge.
3. Try the REACH method (it actually works)
The REACH method offers a structured approach:
- Recall the hurt without being nasty or treating yourself as a victim
- Empathize by imagining the offender's perspective
- Give an Altruistic gift of forgiveness
- Commit to forgiveness through written notes
- Hold onto forgiveness when doubts arise [19]
Through working with my therapist, I learned this approach. It's not easy, especially the empathy part when you're still angry. But it works if you stick with it.
4. Use daily affirmations (even if they feel stupid at first)
Daily affirmations counteract negative thought patterns:
- “I release all resentment and bitterness” [21]
- “I forgive to set myself free” [1]
- “I let go of anger, forgive others, and make room for love” [3]
Schedule some forgiveness time for yourself today. Even five minutes of these practices can begin shifting your perspective. I felt ridiculous doing this at first, but it helped reprogram my brain.
5. Forgiveness doesn't mean you become a doormat
This was huge for me. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation [7]. You can forgive someone yet maintain boundaries against harmful behavior [9]. These limits aren't punitive—they're protective [22]. Remember: boundaries separate wisdom from folly, not people from people [23].
I forgave my family member for imposing their religious beliefs on me, but I still don't engage with them about religion. Forgiveness freed me from anger, but boundaries keep me safe.
6. Get professional help if you need it
Professional guidance often makes the difference between struggling alone and finding lasting freedom. Forgiveness therapy helps process emotional pain, rebuild self-worth, and reduce psychological distress [24]. Services like BetterHelp, Talkspace, and Online-Therapy.com offer structured support for this challenging journey [25].
My therapist played a crucial role in this process. Some wounds are too deep to heal alone, and there's no shame in getting help.
What If Forgiveness Feels Impossible?
Some people and situations feel unforgivable. Trust me, I know.
Through working with my therapist, I've learned that the most challenging cases of forgiveness require different approaches.
- Sometimes the person who hurt you will never apologize.
- Sometimes they're dead.
- Sometimes they continue to be toxic and dangerous.
When the person won't apologize or change
Here's something that took me years to accept: Forgiveness has everything to do with you and nothing to do with the other person.
Therapist Harriet Lerner notes that sometimes “shame leads to denial and self-deception that overrides their ability to orient toward reality” [26]. In other cases, the person might be unreachable or have passed away.
I spent years waiting for certain people to acknowledge what they did to me.
Guess what?
They never did.
And waiting for their apology was keeping me trapped in that prison of resentment that's affecting my mental health [10].
The person who hurt you doesn't have to participate in your healing.
How to forgive without reconciliation
This was a game-changer for me: forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate processes [13]. One person can forgive; it takes two to reconcile [27].
Forgiveness doesn't mean:
- Inviting someone back into your life [10]
- Pretending the relationship is fine
- Continuing unhealthy dynamics
Your safety comes first. Period. You can maintain firm boundaries with minimal contact while working toward healing [28]. I've done this with family members who were toxic but who I needed to forgive for my own peace.
The role of empathy and perspective-taking
This part was hard for me. Research identifies empathy as the psychological “superglue” that connects people and motivates prosocial behaviors, such as forgiveness [29].
Here’s an exercise to try:
- Consider what pressures or past events influenced their behavior
- Reflect on their personality development and possible good intentions
- Acknowledge your own role in the situation [31]
I hated this exercise at first. However, developing empathy can interrupt negative feelings toward those who've hurt us [30]. It doesn't excuse their behavior – it frees you from carrying their baggage.
How to forgive yourself for past mistakes
This might be the most challenging part of all. According to research, forgiving yourself improves mental clarity, reduces stress, enhances self-esteem, and creates space for personal growth [12].
I had to acknowledge my level of responsibility, accept appropriate remorse, and make amends when possible [32]. For the deeper work, I practiced self-compassion by speaking to myself as I would to a friend who made the same mistake [33].
Professional guidance through services like BetterHelp, Talkspace, or Online-Therapy.com can provide structured support for especially difficult forgiveness journeys. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, releasing the burden that's weighing you down [10].
Sometimes forgiveness takes months.
Sometimes it takes years.
That's okay.
Forgiveness Is a Daily Practice
Here's what I've learned about forgiveness: it's messy, it's ongoing, and it doesn't happen overnight.
Some days, I wake up and feel genuinely free from resentment. Other days, the same old grudges creep back in like uninvited guests. That's just how it goes. Forgiveness isn't a one-time decision you make and then you're done. It's something you have to choose again and again.
My 2017 breakdown taught me that carrying anger was literally poisoning my body and mind. However, learning to forgive has been one of the most challenging things I've ever done. Harder than admitting I needed therapy. Harder than facing my mental health triggers.
Through working with my therapist, I've discovered that forgiveness means giving up something (such as anger or resentment) for something else (like peace or healing). Some days that trade feels worth it. Other days, I want to hold onto my anger because it feels justified.
The thing is, forgiveness isn't about being nice to people who hurt you. It's not about letting people off the hook. It's about freeing yourself from the prison of resentment that's eating you alive from the inside.
Forgiveness is for you, not for them.
I still struggle with this. There are people from my past whom I forgive on Monday, but I resent again by Tuesday. There are situations I thought I'd moved past that still trigger that old familiar rage. This doesn't mean I'm failing at forgiveness – it means I'm human.
Professional help makes a difference. Therapy through services like BetterHelp, Talkspace, or Online-Therapy.com provides valuable support when you're trying to untangle years of anger and hurt. I couldn't have done this work alone.
Your forgiveness journey starts with a simple choice: deciding you're tired of carrying all that weight.
You don't have to forgive everyone today.
You don't have to feel peace immediately.
You have to be willing to give it a try.
Some days will be easier than others.
That's okay.
Forgiveness is a practice, not a destination.
Let me know your thoughts…
Key Takeaways
Forgiveness is a powerful tool for personal healing that requires understanding, practice, and patience to master effectively.
- Forgiveness is for you, not them – it releases your mental burden without requiring apologies or reconciliation from others.
- Chronic anger damages both mental and physical health, increasing inflammation, stress, and risk of severe conditions like heart disease.
- Use the REACH method: Recall hurt, Empathize with the offender, give Altruistic forgiveness, Commit to it, and Hold onto progress.
- Set healthy boundaries while forgiving – you can release resentment without allowing harmful people back into your life.
- Professional therapy through services like BetterHelp can provide crucial support when forgiveness feels impossible to achieve alone.
True forgiveness transforms anger into freedom, creating space for better relationships, reduced anxiety, and improved overall well-being through consistent daily practice.
FAQs
Q1. How can I forgive someone when I'm still feeling angry?
Forgiveness is a process that takes time. Start by acknowledging your pain without judgment. Practice empathy by trying to understand the other person's perspective. Focus on releasing resentment for your own well-being, rather than for the other person. Consider using techniques like daily affirmations or the REACH forgiveness method to help you work through your emotions.
Q2. Is it possible to forgive someone while still feeling angry?
Yes, it is possible to forgive someone while still experiencing anger. Forgiveness is about letting go of resentment and bitterness, not about forgetting what happened or excusing the behavior. It's normal for anger to coexist with forgiveness, especially in the early stages of the process. The key is to gradually reduce the intensity of the anger over time.
Q3. What are the benefits of forgiving someone?
Forgiveness can lead to numerous benefits for your mental and physical health. It can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression, lower blood pressure, improve heart health, boost the immune system, and increase overall well-being. Forgiveness also allows you to move forward in life without being weighed down by negative emotions.
Q4. How can I forgive someone who hasn't apologized for their actions?
Forgiveness doesn't require an apology from the person being forgiven. It's a personal choice you make for your own peace of mind. Focus on your own healing process, practice self-compassion, and remember that forgiveness is more about freeing yourself from negative emotions than about the other person's actions or attitudes.
Q5. What if I can't seem to let go of my anger?
If you're struggling to let go of anger, it may be helpful to seek professional support through therapy or counseling. Services like BetterHelp or Talkspace can offer guided assistance in navigating complex emotions. Additionally, practicing mindfulness, journaling, or engaging in physical activities can help process and release anger in healthy ways.
References
[1] https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-is-forgiveness
[2] https://drjudithorloff.com/how-to-release-grudges-and-resentments
[3] Mayo Clinic – Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges
[4] University of New Hampshire – Resentment & Forgiveness
[5] Forgiveness research article (PMC)
[6] Stanford Magazine – 8 Tips for Forgiving Someone
[7] American Psychological Association – Forgiveness
[8] Greater Good Science Center – Does Forgiving Mean Forgetting?
[9] Definition of Forgiveness – Greater Good
[10] APA Monitor – Forgiveness and Mental Health
[11] Psychology Today – Forgive and Forget
[12] The Hope Line – How to Forgive
[13] Dr. Alison Cook – Forgive and Move On
[14] Your Brain on Resentment – Psychology Today
[15] Verywell Mind – The Effects of Holding a Grudge
[16] Johns Hopkins Medicine – Forgiveness and Health
[17] NIH – Anger and Heart Health
[18] Resentment and Health – MentalHealth.com
[19] What Does It Actually Mean to Forgive – Greater Good
[20] Harnessing Principles of Change – Psychology Today
[21] Better Minds Counseling – Navigating Emotions
[22] Eight Keys to Forgiveness – Greater Good
[23] Everett Worthington – REACH Forgiveness
[24] Emotions Therapy Calgary – How to Forgive
[25] Wild Simple Joy – Affirmations to Release Resentment
[26] Gratefulness – Forgiveness Affirmations
[27] Medium – Free Yourself from Resentment
[28] Phoenix Counseling – Forgiveness and Boundaries
[29] Jake Kail – Forgiveness and Boundaries
[30] EEWC – Forgiveness and Boundaries
[31] Brad Hambrick – Boundaries and Forgiveness
[32] Dr. Alan Jacobson – Forgiveness Therapy
[33] Court Counseling – Therapy for Forgiveness
[34] Vox – How to Forgive Without an Apology
[35] Fearless Living – Forgive Someone Who Isn't Sorry
[36] Boundaries.me – Forgiveness vs Reconciliation
[37] Ignatian Spirituality – Forgiveness vs Reconciliation
[38] Amanda Ann Gregory – Dangers of Reconciliation
[39] APA Monitor – Cultivating Empathy
[40] BJC Resiliency PDF
[41] ScienceDirect – Forgiveness Study
[42] Calm Blog – How to Forgive Yourself
[43] Positive Psychology – Self Forgiveness
[44] Healthline – How to Forgive Yourself
