Do you get to see your family a lot? Are you seeing family for the holidays? I bet your family is proud of you.
Is that f-word stirring up a lot of emotion for you? I get it. It does for me too.
Those statements sound harmless to people living with healthy family relationships. But to the person who has a dysfunctional family or family drama, they can be hard to hear. Phrases and questions like that are part of daily conversations, and for someone who’s struggling, they’re constant reminders of difficult situations and painful emotions.
There are two types of people that I hope are reading this blog post right now.
- People who have a dysfunctional family, family drama, or difficult family relationships.
- Anyone who might interact with the people listed above—which is everyone.
Disclaimer: If you are one of my family members, in no way is this meant to be negative toward you. If you have anything to say to me, feel free to reach out to me directly. I’m doing my best to speak my truth in order to help others who are struggling.
Here’s what I’m going to cover:
- Hurtful family stereotypes
- Tips for accepting your family situation as is
- Boundaries to set with family
- How to decide when to cut someone off
- Ways to be more compassionate in conversations as someone who doesn’t have family drama
This is not easy for me to write. It forced me to think about painful situations from my own life. But if you’ve watched my YouTube channel, heard me speak in person, or read my previous posts, you know that I believe in the power of helping others through sharing your story. So that’s what I’m going to do.
Family stereotypes are hurting people
During the holidays, people start bringing up the f-word a lot. Instead of asking, “What are your plans for the holidays?” they say things like, “Are you spending the holidays with family?” Questions like this bring up a lot of difficult emotions for people with family drama.
The holidays are portrayed as a time with big family get-togethers, family traditions, and the opportunity to catch up with the extended family that you haven’t seen throughout the year. The stereotype is the family reading around the fireplace, unwrapping presents together, and laughing while sharing a meal together. It would be a beautiful image if it were true for everyone. But for those of us who don’t spend the holiday like that, it’s painful and a reminder of what we don’t have.
The stereotype about families says “We’re one big happy family”. This stereotype was often portrayed in television and media in the past. And while this has changed a little, it still exists.
We hear things like “family first”. And I’m not saying that family shouldn’t think this way, but these statements don’t take into consideration the reality for some of us.
The reality for some people is…
Sometimes family is a straight-up source of pain.
When society buys into the belief that all families are happy, supportive, and loving, it hurts each person who doesn’t live in a family like that. It leaves you feeling like you’re on the outside. Like there must be something wrong with you because you don’t have in your family what others have in theirs.
It’s not something easy to talk about with people who haven’t experienced it themselves. And even if they would understand, it feels weird to try to explain your family dynamic to someone else. Instead, it’s easier to try to gloss over the situation and remain as quiet as can be about it. No one wants to be the one person who says, “No, I don’t miss living by my family,” and then deal with the odd looks and questions that follow.
These stereotypes lead people to make assumptions about the lives and relationships of others.
We need to stop making assumptions
Family life sucks for some of us around the world.
And because I’m more open than many people about my life, behavior, and sharing my past, people make assumptions about what my family relationships look like.
The truth is, I have a good relationship with some family members. But there are others with whom I have no relationship.
After publishing my book, Transforming Stigma: How to Become a Mental Wellness Superhero, I started hearing things like, “Your family must be so proud of you.” In reality, I don’t think most of them have even read my book, which hurts. It’s something that I worked hard on and poured myself into. It seems like if they love me, they would want to support me in that. But that’s not always the case.
Sometimes, the biggest enemies in the world are your family members. And while it doesn’t fit that stereotype of the beautiful family image, there are many people who are estranged from family members. One article published on BBC dove into the research around family estrangement. Here are some of the numbers they found:
- 1 in 5 British families are impacted by estrangement
- 1 in 10 American moms are estranged from at least one adult child
- 40% of study participants had experienced a situation with family estrangement
When talking with others, remember that stereotypes and assumptions hurt. If you don’t know their family situation, don’t automatically assume that it’s a good one.
The truth about dysfunctional families
There are a lot of jokes about dysfunctional families out there like “We put the fun in dysfunctional”. Many people use this term to describe the normal family drama that everyone experiences.
Let me assure you, people who are wearing these shirts and advertising these phrases aren’t actually dealing with what I’m talking about here. Those of us who have difficult and painful family situations aren’t joking about it. It’s not a source of entertainment, it’s a source of negative emotion.
So how do you accept your dysfunctional family situation?
If you have family drama in your life, this is probably a question that you’ve asked before. I know this is a hard question to work through on your own, so I enlisted the help of a licensed and certified therapist named Katie Rössler, who is the founder of Positive Connections.
She has years of experience working with individuals and families, and she offered some valuable advice on how to deal with difficult family relationships.
“When clients come to me struggling with this issue of acceptance, I have them write down on one half of a sheet of paper all the things they wish that family member had been for them (i.e., loving, a good listener, accepting),” she says. “Then, on the other half, I have them write what they can expect from that family member (i.e., they will be late, they will interrupt me, they will be completely inappropriate).”
She recommends that you do this activity for each family member. Once you do this, you can begin working on letting go of unrealistic expectations and grieving the loss of what you don’t have.
In addition, work on forgiveness
I have found forgiveness to be an important part of handling challenging family relationships. This goes two ways. The first is that I’ve had to own up to my own behavioral issues and apologize to some family members.
But there are also some family members who have cut me off without any type of explanation. Part of accepting this and letting it go is to practice forgiveness toward those individuals.
No, they haven’t asked for forgiveness. And yes, it is difficult to forgive someone who hasn’t shown any remorse or even given you a reason why they will not have contact with you. But I’ve learned that forgiveness is a daily activity. It’s not just a once-and-done thing.
I actually have a list of people toward whom I feel resentment. I make it a point to think through that list and practice saying words of forgiveness, either in my head or out loud. This helps me to release them from my mind and let go. Sometimes it’s more about visualizing the grip that I have on something and then letting go of it instead of looking to make it right.
Remember, accepting it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt.
I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t desire to have healthy family relationships. Part of me is sad that I don’t feel like I have those relationships that I long for. It really hits me at times, like when I accomplish something that I’m proud of and don’t have family there to celebrate with me. Occasionally, there is a “congratulations”, but family members are the last people I would turn to when it comes to my mental health.
I’m not at all saying that my family is bad. This is just the reality of what our relationships look like.
It’s important to learn how to set boundaries
If you’ve tried to address the challenges that you’re having with a family member and you aren’t able to make progress, you may need to set boundaries in order to protect your mental health.
When it comes to learning how to set boundaries, Katie recommends that you seek out counseling support. She says, “These tools can be read in a book but having someone to work with you on case-by-case situations is powerful!”
When it comes to boundaries, Katie provides a few examples including:
- Not seeing the other person for a period of time until healing can occur
- Limiting the length of visits
- Making it clear you will leave if the conversation turns into a verbal attack
Katie also warns that there are two things to keep in mind with setting boundaries:
- You need to stick to them and follow through. If you make it clear that you aren’t going to put up with certain behavior, then don’t.
- One reason people struggle with establishing boundaries is because of codependency. She recommends, “Figure out what keeps you connected to that toxic family member and start to speak truth to what is going on.”
What this looks like in my life
There are some family members that I have to avoid seeing. When I know they are going to be at family functions, I don’t show up. Honestly, there are probably a few family members who do the same thing with me.
I’ve also learned to remove myself from group text messages when they include family members who have cut me off. On occasion, we are put on the same group text together. But if this person has chosen not to talk to me in person, I don’t want to watch them talk to other people, so I remove myself.
Another boundary that I had to establish was with my mom before she passed away. Every communication that came from her was used to manipulate and put me against my dad, brother, or both. I had to block her on my phone. What made this even harder was that she was dying of cancer. I knew she wasn’t well, but our conversations had become really toxic. I made rules around visiting her including only staying for x amount of time.
This was hard and draining, but I knew in order for me to be able to love her, I had to put up that boundary.
When is it time to cut people out?
Some family members might not respect your boundaries. This is when you might start thinking about cutting them out. “When you continue to get hurt, it’s time to put up a wall and do some self-reflection,” Katie says. “Are you setting yourself up for getting hurt? For example: If I never received recognition from my dad for my accomplishments growing up, am I continuing to present him with all the great things I have accomplished hoping he will now recognize me? Then, I am doing this to myself.
“With the above example, I know that I can’t expect him to recognize me, so I will stop sharing those things and only share them with those who will recognize me. It’s time to cut them off when you see them impacting you so much you can’t have healthy relationships with others or, if you have kids, they start to be impacted by the unhealthy family member.”
Don’t just “ghost” them
In the day and age of “ghosting”, if you’re struggling with a dysfunctional family, “ghosting” them can seem like the easiest route to go. Please don’t do that. I believe it’s important to confront people before you cut them off, even multiple times.
These days many people don’t like to confront others. But I believe that running toward confrontation can be an act of love. To be unclear with someone is unkind. Be direct with the person you are struggling with. If that leads to more negativity or problems, then it’s probably time to cut them off and love them from afar.
How to replace the need for family closeness
The first thing that you need to do is acknowledge that you feel a need for family closeness. Allow yourself to feel any of the difficult emotions you have. Personally, I feel a lot of anger and sadness. And while these aren’t fun things to deal with, I feel them, and so I don’t pretend like I don’t.
I like to live by the Stockdale Paradox. Admiral Stockdale fought in the Vietnam War. He was captured and held for eight years. During this time he noticed that those who were captured with him and tried to stay positive by pretending their situation wasn’t what it really was, they didn’t last. But he took a different approach.
Admiral Stockdale confronted the truth of his situation. He didn’t stick his head in the sand and pretend that his circumstances were better than they were. However, he also remained hopeful at the same time. This is what I try to do by acknowledging the truth of my dysfunctional family yet holding onto a vision of what I want my family life to look like in the future.
You can cultivate new relationships with others
Katie shared with me how she moved around a lot when she was growing up. Through this experience, she learned quickly that it’s possible to make friends who help replace those family relationships you wished you had but didn’t.
“Choose your friends wisely so you don’t continue unhealthy patterns like you have in your current family,” Katie says. “There are amazing communities out there that you can connect with based on hobbies, beliefs, skill sets, etc. that will bring you “your” people. These will give you that feeling of being seen and the closeness you crave. For all my introverts, know that it will be uncomfortable to put yourself out there, but the payoff will be huge!”
I have found this to be true in my own life. I am able to find where the good energy is and then work to cultivate relationships with those people including colleagues and friends.
Final thoughts for those with dysfunctional family members
If you are struggling with your family, Katie says, “First, allow yourself to grieve. Hiding it, letting it out in anger, and running from it will make things worse. The greatest lesson I have learned in life is the power of actually allowing yourself to grieve. You grow stronger because of the grief work you allow yourself to do.”
Secondly, she recommends that you “surround yourself with positivity after negative encounters. We need a positive friend, a funny movie, or an uplifting quote to switch our thinking from the negative that occurred into remembering we are worth loving and matter in the world. The holidays come and go, but they can leave challenges. Be willing to do the work so you are ready for the next holiday and each will get easier.”
Final thoughts for others
Remember to be compassionate when talking with others, not just this holiday season but all year long. You never know what someone else is going through and the difficult emotions that come along with it.
If you can rethink the way you word commonly asked questions, do it. Do your best to avoid asking those questions that make others feel bad or sad about their family situation. Don’t buy into the stereotypes and stop making assumptions.
Family relationships can be a struggle. Still, I love everyone. I don’t hate anyone even if I have resentment. Certain people you just have to love from afar.
If you are struggling with family relationships, take Katie’s advice and reach out for help.
